The Letter
by Suze21
Summary: These are the "from beyond the grave" letters that Molly, Smurf and Captain James have written. This is my first fanfict for "Our Girl" and it was supposed to be a one-shot but has turned into something more. I don't own anything in the "Our Girl" universe, I only wish I did as Capt James would be on loan to the Oz Army, permanently!
1. Chapter 1

Dear Mum

This is a letter that we have to write in case the worst thing happens to us. As the Sarg says it's a letter from beyond the grave, I've put off writing it so many times but now the Corp is haunting, bad choice of words, me for it. But I don't plan on you ever having to read this an' all, Mum.

First of all, Corp says that if we want this bad enough, we'll make it. And Mum, I wanted this. I wanted this more than I've ever wanted anything before. Once I got here I could see that I could make a real go of it and be a good soldier and hopefully a combat medic when I finish the training. So just know that, I was doin' something I was good at and that I love.

Mum, I need you to know that I love you. I know that you tried to be the best Mum you could possibly be for us kids. And I know I didn't make it easy for you. I wasn't the best kid and I wish I had been better for you. I wish I'd listened to you more, I wish I hadn't had such a mouth on me and that I'd tried to do better in school.

I'm sorry for all of that and that I wasn't a good example to the younger ones by going to school and making you proud of me. Which brings me to the next thing, make sure the rest of the kids stay in school and get good marks. I want you to use any money that you get from the army because of what happened to me to help the kids at school. Maybe one of them might gonna go to bleedin' University, one of thems got to be smarter than me, and if the money can help then use it.

Promise me Mum, promise me that it will be used for the kids to get through school and that Dad won't get his hands on it and piss it all away. I'll see one of them army lawyers and set up a fund or something.

Tell the kids that I love them and that they're not to be sad if the worse happens. Sarg says that if the worst happens that our families will miss us terribly, some of us aren't so sure about that. I'm not sure that Dad will miss me at all. I'll miss all of you.

Give Nan a hug and kiss for me. She can be a right cow sometimes but she always had time for us kids, especially me. Tell her to keep Dad on his toes as I won't be able too.

Keep an eye for the other girls I went through with, especially Katie. She was a good friend to me and I wouldn't have made it into basic if she hadn't helped me. I don't think I told you she loaned me the right shoes and leggings for my interview. I'd made a right cock up of the clothes for it but she got me sorted. I've made some good friends Mum and some even feel a bit like family.

I don't always make a good first impression, with my need to mouth off and be the class clown, but I'm trying to change that Mum. I have good instructors that help me all the time and they give me good advice. For the first time I feel like people who are better and smarter than me want me to be the best I can be. I don't know what they see in me but there must be something that makes them keep at me to do better.

Finally Mum, tell Dad that despite him being a right twat 99% of the time, I do love him. I could kill him most of the time but I still love him. He's my Dad after all.

I love you Mum

Your girl

Molly


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mols

I know you're going to be angry at me for getting this letter from me for a couple of reasons.

One, you think I should have written it to my Mam. Don't sweat it, I did write one to her! I wrote this one and gave it to the padre to put into headquarters for me. Turns out you can write as many of these things as you want. You know they're "held until required". But I also stuck another note for Mam in my "personal effects" so when she unpacks it all, she'll find it. One thing about Mams is they always find the stuff (porn, fags, etc) we don't want 'em to find. Besides she had one "from beyond" already, I really don't want her getting another. It was one of the things I hated most about Geraint being killed.

Speaking of Mam, could you maybe go see her and talk to her about me. All the things we did, saw and talked about here in Afghan. She would like to know that I had a proper mate like you while I was here. I know Bossman will write a letter and be at the funeral but I think he may be batting zero with her, if she has lost both of us on his watch.

Second, is that I've gone and died on you. I know I'm a right prannit (you never did tell me what that means!) I told you that I'd be there for you and now I've fucked that up as well. But I truly meant it, that I'd be there, always, for you. I didn't mean to die on you. I promised myself that I would get you home safe to your family and we'd do that trip to Vegas. Obviously, it wasn't meant to be. Mam's premonition an' all.

And for a third thing, I know that me telling you that I love you made things a bit hard for a while between us. You really weren't happy about me telling you or the break it caused. If I could change anything, besides you know, texting or calling you after that night behind the take away, it would be that.

I wouldn't have just blurted it out like I did. I should have waited, been patient, and been more romantic about it. I don't know how, you made me throw my last romantic gesture into the bin. Maybe I should have waited 'til we were home again and you were in Newport with the ring.

But I should probably say that I would change the whole dying thing as well. I hope Mols that I died saving you dunno from what but something. If I did then know that I've died happy, that I was looking out for you just like I said I would.

Lastly, that it wasn't your fault. It was my choice to look out for you and I know you would've tried to do everything you could to save me. You'll be blaming yourself for this and being angry at yourself and the world. You'd be thinking you'd done it once, you should be able to do it again but we know that it don't work like that Mols. As Bossman says, it's all down to Lady Luck.

Lady Luck blessed me by letting Private Molly Dawes save my life once, by swinging off a winch shoving her hand in a bullet wound so I wouldn't bleed out. And then Lady Luck blessed me again by making Molly Dawes my best mate, always.

I love you Molly, with all my heart. I can say that now, you can't stop me.

Love

Smurf


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Mum

This is the second one of these letters I've written for you. But you never got the first one 'cos I came back. I won't say I was alright, we both know that it ain't the truth. I'm hoping this next tour will sort my nut out about the whole thing. But I have to write a new one of these 'cos I'm going back and some things have changed. I'm hoping you'll never see it but with Smurf going the way he did, you can never know for sure.

There are a few things I need to tell you.

Now, my Captain James, the one I saved with Smurf on the last tour, will come around and want some things from my kit, Mum. You need to let him take anything he wants. Anything. And you need to look out for him, seeing I won't be able to. You see Mum, him and me well, we got pretty close in Afghan. He has helped me believe in myself. He made me see I was only part way through a journey and had to go back.

Mum, I need you to know that I love you. I know that you tried to be the best Mum you could possibly be for us kids and I didn't make it easy for you. I wish I had been better for you and listened to you more.

I'm sorry for that and that I wasn't a good example to the younger ones by going to school and making you proud of me. Which brings me to the next thing, make sure the rest of the kids stay in school and get good marks. There will be some money left over from helping my little friend Bashira. I want you to use any money to help the kids at school. Maybe one of them might gonna go to bleedin' University, one of thems got to be smarter than me, and if the money can help then use it. Captain James will help with all that and set up some sort of fund.

Tell the kids that I love them and that they're not to be sad if the worse happens. I'll miss them all. Give Nan a hug and kiss for me. She's always been good to me. Tell her to keep Dad on his toes as I won't be able too.

Keep an eye out for the other boys in 2 Section, Jackie and Katie. They were all good friends to me and they feel like family. Katie got me through basic. As normal I cocked up the clothes and she sorted me out. Jackie helped me settle in Afghan and become a good medic. The first day was a shocker and she talked me through it. The boys all treat me like a younger sister and give me shit all the time. Don't worry I gave 'em as good as I got. I still got a mouth on me. Even though I had a rocky start, the boys have become important to me. I didn't like leaving them for RnR I can tell you.

Tell Dad I love him. I could kill him most of the time but I still love him. He's my Dad after all.

Don't forget about Captain James, Mum, please! You see, the truth is I love him and I think he loves me. That's why I went to the hospital when I got back, not to see Smurf. Well to see Smurf but it was Captain James I really wanted to see. Dad was right and all, I didn't have permission to go, but I did.

We didn't do nothing in Afghan, we waited out but it all went to shit at the end. I couldn't have done any of it without Captain James believing in and supporting me. Plus he loves me enough to let me go back and finish what I started in Afghan.

So look after him for me Mum, please.

I love you all

Molly


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Bossman

I can call you whatever I like, it's my letter and your bleedin' well not goin' to read it anyway as I'll always, always, come back to you. Just like I did in Afghan with your bloody coffee. I 'ad to make sure that you would be a fully functioning soldier after all.

The most important thing I need to tell you is that I love you. I never thought that you could look at a girl like me, let alone actually love me, a cockney that barely went to school. An' you with your manners, 'n schooling 'n good looks, not to mention bein' an officer, you could 'ave anyone, certainly some one much better 'n me. But you have made me happier than I have ever been and I hope that I done the same for you.

I know I didn't make a very good first impression the day I joined the Under 5s. But with your posh accent the word 'cockwombles' didn't fit comin' out your mouth. I just got the giggles but I think I kept most of them inside 'cept for the massive smile on my gob which I just couldn't hide. I felt like a right prat, I can tell you, 'specially after you put me in my place. It stung a bit and all.

Thank heavens for Smurf though. He really helped me that day. And a few more days after that as well. Me and him spending time together when we was home was the biggest help. Nobody else really understood what it was like there, so we stayed together and looked after each other. I'm sorry it made you snarky but nothing 'appened. He was just me mate. If Smurf hadn't got himself shot and I hadn't gone up on the winch to the helio, would you 'ave changed your mind about me?

I knew you had the day you asked me to get the coffee for you. You held my hand so gentle, your thumb rubbing across my knuckles and you looked into my eyes. Felt like I was drownin' in them eyes an' you know I can't swim! And then you said "Come back to me." Not "Come back to us" or "Afghan" but "me". And I said "I will. Don't worry." Then Kinders interrupts, I could 'ave killed him.

There's a couple of things I need you to do for me. Last requests as it is.

Keep in touch with all the lads from 2 Section. You'll need 'em for a while, I reckon. I did when it all went to shit with you an' Smurf. They helped me and they'll help you too!

I want some of my money to be used to help Bashira go to school 'n' that. I've put Qaseem's details in the letter so you can fix it up with him. The rest needs to be put aside for the kids to go to school or University even, one's bound to be smarter than me an' want to go. Don't let me Dad get his hands on it.

I've put it in the letter to Mum, that you are to take anything you want from my kit. You may want your letters back or some of our photos. You could even take my West Ham strip if you want.

Finally, you're to live your life. For you and Sam, that bleedin' cheeky beggar, tell him I loved him even though I didn't get to spend time with him because I love his Dad. So don't sit 'round bein' sad, get on with things!

So Charles (and yes I am smirking) ;-) the very, very last thing is to tell you again, that I love you. I could never have done any of this without your love, support and your strength to let me go an' finish this journey. I've never had anyone believe in me the way you do. Lady Luck really did smile on me the day I ended up in the Under 5s.

I love you,

Your girl

Molly


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Mother and Father

This is the letter that I never want you to receive but I know I have to write for you, especially with this being my fourth tour. I know that eventually Lady Luck isn't going to be smiling on me.

You know how I feel about being stuck behind a desk. I would much rather be living out of my bergen and in a tent. I don't think I'm one who can live a "settled life", at least not a life like Rebecca wanted.

You also know why I had to do this tour. It wasn't all about duty and honour, yes part of it was. There was a part that about making amends for the death of one of my men on the last tour. But that wasn't all of it.

My being away will allow Rebecca to organise everything to do with the divorce. You know that I don't care about any of it as long as I get to see Sam at the end of all this. Rather pointless if you're reading this letter.

I'll make sure that in the custody agreement that you two will still get to see Sam, if the worse should happen, but I don't believe that Rebecca would be that cruel to you both or to Sam. But I promise you, I'll get it in the agreement.

So all I ask of you both, is to make sure that Sam has a happy life, that he is loved and cared for. I've arranged my new will, I have left everything I own in this world to Sam. Of course, it will be held in trust until he is 21.

Talk to him about me, share stories of my childhood, my rugby days, and my time at University and Sandhurst. But most importantly, the days when I was incredibly happy - the day I found out I was to be his dad and then the day he was born. I don't even care if you tell him I shed a few tears. Tell him everything and how much I loved him.

I have put some extra letters for Sam in here. Envelope 1 is for now. It's a bit of what I'm doing here and how much I love him. Envelope 2 is for his 21st birthday, envelope 3 is for his wedding day and the last one for when, or if, he decides to join the army.

I can't leave them to Rebecca. I can't trust that she would give any of them to Sam, especially the last one, seeing how Rebecca hates my chosen profession. I know you will do this one last thing for me. You know how important it is to me to leave some sort of legacy for Sam.

I love you both. And thank you for all the support you have given me throughout my entire life, especially the last few years. Things have been awkward and hard for you both with your friends since the problems between Rebecca and I became common knowledge and I am sorry for that.

Trust me when I say that, I go into this tour with my eyes wide open. I plan to stay focussed, to stay alert and stay alive. But if it all goes wrong, and obviously it has, I know I don't need to ask you to love and look after my boy. Just tell him every time you can, how much his Daddy loved him.

Your son

Charles


	6. Chapter 6

My darling Molly

It feels so good to be able to say your name Molly, even if it's only written here. Not Medic or Dawes or Dawsey, although I do find that one rather cute.

I've been whispering your name to myself for a long time now. I almost screamed it out loud when you went after Smurf in that minefield, especially when you managed to nearly blow yourself to kingdom come in the process. I have never been that much in awe of someone as I was of you that day. You were fucking awesome!

You will receive this letter this letter if my mantra "stay focussed, stay alert, stay alive" has failed me. My only hope and prayer is that you haven't been caught up in my failure and you are still alive, that is very important to me, you are very important to me.

I realised I had to write this letter to you after happened in your tent. You've left on R and R, the sound of your helio has faded into the distance. I don't look forward to the days ahead without you here. Besides you being "the nuts" when it comes to treating my blisters, Molly you've crept into my heart and mind on this tour and pitched your tent there.

Not something that I would ever thought could happen, that I would fall in love with anyone, let alone with the mouthy replacement medic for the Under 5s. My first impression of you at Brize told me that you would be the bad apple this tour.

My god, Molly, the way you looked at me with gorgeous eyes after I had completely put you down in front of everyone. My heart stopped and I found it hard to breathe let alone concentrate. I knew then that my life had been changed but I also knew that nothing could happen between us even if you had feelings for me.

Those moments in the tent will keep me going until you come back to me. You said you will, I should have made you promise me. When I held your arm to write my request it was small sparks of electricity ran right through my body.

Your skin was so soft, I couldn't believe that anything out here in the dirt, heat and dry could be so soft and perfect. Only you, Molly Dawes, could possibly be that one thing. I got to hold your hand. It must have shocked you when my large, roughed hand held your small, delicate one.

I can still smell your shampoo. I shall always things always think of you when I smell peaches. How lucky was I to catch you after your shower, with your hair still dripping. I couldn't believe my luck finding you in your PT short shorts, with your tanned legs on display and tank top, showing inches of your cool, fresh skin.

I can finally say how I really feel about Private Molly Dawes, but I'm not actually here to say it. Shit Molly, I'm sorry! I'm being so selfish telling you, especially if you don't feel the same way. Lady Luck has a really twisted sense of humour.

Molly, I love you! You are the complete package- wickedly smart (mouth as well), tough, courageous, great sense of humour, compassionate plus you are absolutely gorgeous, even wearing you fatigues. Better in your shorts and tank top but I'd get nothing done if you wore that all the time.

You have no idea how many times I've had to put my hands in my pockets to stop from touching you. To catch a tendril of your hair and curl it around my finger, to stare into the depths of your eyes or kiss your sweet, soft lips. I'm going to do all those things, and much more, when we get home from this tour. And if I'm not there at the end, know that when the breeze gently blows your hair or touches your cheek, that's me reaching out to you.

Molly, I have watched you blossom on this tour and you need to promise me that you will be brilliant especially if I'm not there anymore. Go on to be the best version of yourself. I know you can do it, I believe in you!

There are some things I need to tell you Molly (I'm smiling again as I write your name)

I love you!

At home, I have an ex-wife. Her name is Rebecca. Our marriage has been over for quite some time but the divorce has been finalised while I'm on this tour. She has never understood my need to be on tour. You are everything she is not- beautiful, brave, kind, loving, smart, loyal, outspoken and infuriating- the list could go on. I am so grateful that I got to love you, even if it was from a distance.

Be brilliant!

If you're not running away, although knowing you, you are running flat out towards the danger, I have a son, Sam. He's part of my life, the one and only good thing to come out of my marriage to Rebecca. I think you would love him, Molly. He is the very best parts of me, I think.

I'll ask you here, Molly :-) not to hate me for not telling you earlier but I just couldn't find the right time or words to tell you.

I'd also ask that you to visit Sam, once if you can, and tell him that you knew me and that you loved me (if you do) and that despite where we were and what was happening around us, I was happy when I was with you. Although not when you were disobeying orders and putting yourself at risk!

The other thing I need to tell you is, my first name is Charles. And I expect that you call me that from now on when you talk about me, not to 2 section but everyone else in your life. You wouldn't be calling me Sir or Bossman if we make it home together so if you go home alone don't call me those things when you talk about me or remember me.

Given how we met I would say that Lady Luck was smiling on me when she sent you as my replacement. But she is, using a phrase you will understand, a right bloody cow for what she has done to us now. Taken the chance for us to be happy together away from us. I love you Molly, my Molly.

Yours for always

Charles

Author's Notes

Thank you to everyone who has read all of these "Letters". And to my reviewers…much love!

To those who are wondering, I've never received a letter "from beyond the grave" nor have I had to write one to my loved ones. Thankfully, in both cases.

This last letter, for whatever reason, was the hardest one to write. The others seem to just flow out of my pen, well pencil actually. This one resisted so it will be the last one in this "Our Girl" story.

To my source of information on things military- thank you! If I've dragged up unpleasant memories by asking the questions, I'm sorry. And I love you.

Suze21


End file.
